Top Ten Things
Top Ten Things That Sound Dirty At The Office but aren't:
• I need to whip it out by 5
• Mind if I use your laptop?
• Just stick it in my box.
• If I have to lick one more, I'll gag!
• I want it on my desk, NOW!!!
• HMMMMMMM......I think it's out of fluid!
• My equipment is so old, it takes forever to finish.
• It's an entry-level position.
• When do you think you'll be getting off today?
• It's not fair...I do all the work while he just sits there!
Top Ten Things That Sound Dirty in Golf but aren't:
• Nuts...my shaft is bent.
• After 18 holes I can barely walk.
• You really whacked the hell out of that sucker.
• Look at the size of his putter.
• Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more.
• Mind if I join your threesome?
• Stand with your back turned and drop it.
• My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip.
• Nice stroke, but your follow through has a lot to be desired.
• Hold up...I need to wash my balls first.
Top Ten Things That Sound Dirty in Law but aren't:
• Have you looked through her briefs?
• He is one hard judge!
• Counselor, let's do it in my chambers.
• His attorney withdrew at the last minute.
• Is it a penal offense?
• Better leave the handcuffs on.
• For $200 an hour, she better be good!
• Can you get him to drop his suit?
• The judge gave her the stiffest one he could.
• Think you can get me off?
Employee's Ten Comandments
• If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
• If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights.
• Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
• For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
• Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back.
• Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
• To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
• The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
• Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
• If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.
Laws of Work
• A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
• No one is listening until you make a mistake.
• When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
• Following the rules will not get the job done.
• Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous."
• Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.
• He who hesitates is probably right.
• You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.
• People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.
• No matter how much you do, you never do enough.
• The last person that was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong.
• When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.
• Work is accomplished by those employees who are still striving to reach their level of incompetence.
Ten Signs You Need a Really Long Vacation
• You lecture the neighborhood kids selling lemonade on ways to improve their process.
• You get all excited when it's Saturday so you can wear sweats to work.
• You refer to the tomatoes grown in your garden as deliverables.
• You find you really need PowerPoint to explain what you do for a living.
• You normally eat out of vending machines and at the most expensive restaurant in town within the same week.
• You think that "progressing an action plan" and "calendarizing a project" are acceptable English phrases.
• You know the people at the airport hotels better than your next door neighbors.
• You ask your friends to "think out of the box" when making Friday night plans.
• You think Einstein would have been more effective had he put his ideas into a matrix.
• You think a "half-day" means leaving at 5 o'clock.
Ten Signs You Are "Burned Out" Because of Work
• Your garbage can is your "in" box.
• You sleep more at work than at home.
• Your Day Timer exploded a week ago.
• You're so tired you now answer the phone, "Hell."
• You leave for a party and instinctively take your ID badge.
• You have so much on your mind, you've forgotten how to pee.
• Visions of the upcoming weekend help you make it through Monday.
• You think about how relaxing it would be if you were in jail right now.
• You wake up to discover your bed is on fire, but go back to sleep because you just don't care.
• Your friend calls to ask how you've been, and you immediately scream, "Get off my back, jerk!"
The Ten If's You Need to Know to Get Along at Work
1. If it rings, put it on hold.
2. If it clunks, call the repairman.
3. If it whistles, ignore it.
4. If it's a friend, stop work and chat.
5. If it's the Boss, look busy.
6. If it talks, take notes.
7. If it's handwritten, type it.
8. If it's typed, copy it.
9. If it's copied, file it.
10. If it's Friday, FORGET IT!!!
14 Signs the Company You Work for Is Going Under
• They start paying everyone in sea shells.
• Company President now driving a Ford Escort.
• Company Softball Team is converted to a Chess Club.
• Conference room has been turned into chinchilla farm.
• Dr. Kevorkian is hired as an "Outplacement Coordinator".
• The Dairy Queen on the corner is threatening a hostile takeover.
• The beer supplied by the Company at picnics is in unlabeled cans.
• Your boss casually asks you if you know anything about starting fires.
• When you say, "See you tomorrow," the watchman laughs uncontrollably.
• People saying "Remember folks, we're not Downsizing, we're Rightsizing!"
• The women are suddenly very friendly with the dorky Personnel Manager.
• The chairman walks by your desk and says, "Hey, Hey! Easy on the staples!"
• Annual Company Holiday Bash moved from the Sheraton to the local Taco Bell.
• Your CEO has a dart board marked with all existing departments in the Company.
Things We'd Like To See On Company Motivational Posters
• If you do a good job and work hard, you may get a job with a better company someday.
• Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.
• Sure, you may not like working here, but we pay your rent.
• A person who smiles in the face of adversity ... probably has a scapegoat.
• If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos...then you probably haven't completely understood the situation.
• Your job is still better than asking "You want fries with that?"
• If at first you don't succeed - try management.
• Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.
• Teamwork means never having to take all the blame yourself.