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Clean Fun

Tommy Cooper jokes

• So I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died.'"

• So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.

• So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said "You've been promoted again.' And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I said 'I careered off the road.

• Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round." The other one says "So are you, you fat slob"

My wife and I were married in a toilet: it was a marriage of convenience.

• Two cannibals eating a clown. One says to the other "Does this taste funny to you?"

• Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid,the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

• Two cannibals eating a clown. One says to the other "Does this taste funny to you?"

• Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid,the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

• You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.

• Two aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married. The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant.

• Man goes to the doc, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

• "Doc, I can't stop singing "The green green grass of home"." "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" "It's not unusual."

• A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

• A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him." So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy"

• What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

• A neutron walks into a bar. "I'd like a beer" he says. The bartender promptly serves up a beer. "How much will that be?" asks the neutron. "For you?" replies the bartender, "no charge."

• Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I think I've lost an electron." The other says "Are you sure?" The first says, "Yes, I'm positive..."

• So I rang up a local building firm, I said "I wanna skip outside my house." He said "I'm not stopping you."

• Two prostitutes standing on a street corner. One says to the other, "Have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?" The other replies, "No, but I've been swung around by the tits!"

• A man gets on a train and sits next to a young woman reading a book called 'Sex Statistics'. "Any good?", he asks. "Fascinating - American Indians have the widest pricks, and Polishmen the longest. By the way, I'm Jane." "Hi," he says. "I'm Tonto Palawlaski."

• A man walked into the doctor's, The doctor said "I haven't seen you in a long time." The man replied "I know, I've been ill"

• A man walked into the doctor's, he said "I've hurt my arm in several places." The doctor said "Well don't go there any more."

• I had a ploughman's lunch the other day. He wasn't very happy.

• I was driving down the motorway with my bird the other day when we both got a bit frisky and decided to do something about it. So we decided we'd take the next exit, but it was a turn-off.

• I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

• I bought some HP sauce the other day. It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years.

• I went to the butcher's the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. And he said, "No, the steaks are too high."

• So I said to this Chinese waiter, "Are there any Chinese jews", so he went away and when he came back he said, "no, there's only apple juice, pineapple juice...

• I went to the doctors the other day and I said "have you got anything for wind", so he gave me a kite.

• I went to the doctor and I said "it hurts when I do that", he said "well, don't do it."

• "What do you call a Gorilla with a banana in each ear? Anything you like, he can't hear ya?"

• My wife phoned me just before the show, and she said, "I've got water in the carburettor." I said, "where's the car?" she said, "in the river."

• I went to the dentists, he said "my teeth are all right but my gums have gotta come out.

• I backed a horse today, 20 to 1... came in at 20 past 4. He was so late coming in, he had to tip-toe back to the stables. The Jockey kept hitting him with the whip and the horse said to him "what are you doing that for, there's nobody behind us.

• Oh, what a day I've had... I went to see the doctor today, I had to he's ill. And he said to me "can I help you?" and I said "Yes, I keep dreaming these beautiful girls keep coming towards me and I keep pushing them away... these beautiful girls keep coming towards me and I keep pushing them away." So he said "what do you want me to do?" and I said "break me arms.

• Ooh, my feet are killing me... every night they grab me around the throat.

• I saw this girl across the room. I cocked one eye at her, she cocked one eye at me. There we stood, cock-eyed.

• Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's. "Well you can't say fairer than that then".

• What's brown and sounds like a bell? DUNG

• I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already!

• I was cleaning out the attic the other day with the wife. Filthy, dirty and covered with cobwebs.... but she's good with the kids....

• I slept like a log last night. I woke up in a fireplace.....

• A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'

• Last night I slept like a baby. I woke up three times, wet myself twice and cried myself back to sleep each time.

• I came home one night and my wife was crying. I said "whats wrong? She said "I'm home sick." I said "This is your home." She said "Yes and I'm sick of it"

• I went to the doctor and I said "Doctor, I feel like I'm a set of curtains" The doctor said "For Heaven's sake man, pull yourself together"

• I went to the doctor and said "Doctor, I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home" The doctor said "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome to me" I said "Is that common?'' He said "It's not unusual"

• I went to the doctors. He said "I'd like you to lie on the couch." I said "What for?" He said "I'd like to sweep the floor."

• I went to the doctors. He said "What appears to be the problem?" I said "I keep having the same dream, night after night, beautiful girls rushing towards me and I keep pushing them away" He said "How can I help?" I said "Break my arms!"

• My wife had a go at me last night She said "You'll drive me to my grave". "I had the car out in thirty seconds"

• I went up into the attic and found a Stradivarius and a Rembrant. Unfortunately Stradivarius was a terrible painter and Rembrant made lousy violins.

• One year I got a bike for my birthday. So I went peddling off down the road and knocked an old lady down. "Can't you ring your bell?" She said "I can ring my bell," I said "But I can't ride my bike"

• We were coming in to land, and it affects your ears, doesn't it? The Stewardess gave me chewing gum. I put it in my ear. Took two days to get it out

• This little old lady was frightened. She looked at me, she said "Do something religious". So I took up a collection

• A policeman stopped me the other night, he taps on the window of the car and says: "Would you please blow into this bag, Sir" I said: "What for, Officer?" He says: "My chips are too hot"

• I got stopped again last night by another policeman. He says: "I'd like to follow you to the nearest Police Station" I said "What For?" He said: "I've forgotten the way"

• So I said to the taxi driver, "King Authur's Close" He said, "Don't worry, we'll lose him at the next set of lights"

• I knocked at my friend's door and his wife answered the door. I said "Is Jim in?" She didn't reply, just stood there looking at me. So I asked again. Just then a woman appeared at his wife's elbow. "Sorry luv" she said "We buried him last Thursday". "He didn't say anything about a pot of yellow paint before he went, did he?"

• I went to Blackpool on holiday and knocked at the first boarding house that I came to. A women stuck her head out of an upstairs window and said "What do you want?" "I'd like to stay here", "Ok. Stay there"

• I went to the doctor. He said "you've got a very serious illness" I said "I want a second opinion" He said "all right, you're ugly as well"

• When I was in the scouts, the leader told me to pitch a tent. I couldn't find any pitch, so I used creosote.

• I got home from work and the wife said - I'm very sorry dear, but the cat's eaten your dinner" I said "Dont worry-- I'll get you a new cat"

• I said to the waiter, I said 'This chicken I've got is cold'. He said 'I should think so. It's been dead for two weeks' 'Not only that', I said, 'It's got one leg shorter than the other'. He said 'What do you want to do, eat it or dance with it?' Anyway, I said to the waiter, 'Forget the chicken, bring me a lobster. So he brought a lobster. I said 'Just a minute, it's only got one claw.' He said 'It's been in a fight'. I said 'Bring me the winner'.

• Sometimes I drink my whiskey neat. Other times I take my tie off and leave my shirt out.

• My wife and I were fighting like hammer and tongs. She won, she had the hammer.

• I hurt my back the day. I was playing piggy back with my 6 year old nephew, and I fell off.

• Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'. And the dentist said to me 'Mr Cooper, get out of the filing cabinet.'

• So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.'

• I was in Margate last year for the summer season.

• A friend of mine said, "You want to go to Margate, it's good for rheumatism." So I did, and I got it.

• I had a dream last night, I was eating a ten pound marshmallow. I woke up this morning and the pillow was gone.

• Did you hear about the short-sighted bank robber? He went into the bank, he said 'Stick 'em up. Are they up?'

• I was walking up the road the other night, a man came out of a doorway. He said 'Have you seen a policeman round here?' I said 'No'. He said 'Stick 'em up'.

• This man says to me "my dog's got no nose" So I said to him "How does he smell?" "Terrible"

• A man walks into a greengrocer's and says, I want five pounds of potatoes please. And the greengrocer says, we only sell kilos ... so the man says, alright then, I'll have five pounds of kilos.

• And he said "My dog doesn't eat meat." I said "Why not?" He said "We don't give him any"

• I've always been unlucky. I had a rocking horse once, and it died.

• I went out for a meal last night. I ordered everything in French. Everyone looked surprised, it was a Chinese restaurant.

• We were coming in to land, and it affects your ears, doesn't it? The Stewardess gave me chewing gum. I put it in my ear. Took two days to get it out. This little old lady was frightened. She looked at me, she said 'Do something religious'. So I took up a collection.

• When I was in the scouts, the leader told me to pitch a tent. I couldn't find any pitch, so I used creosote.

• Sometimes I drink my whiskey neat. Other times I take my tie off and leave my shirt out.

• My wife and I were fighting like hammer and tongs. She won, she had the hammer.

• I hurt my back the day. I was playing piggy back with my 6 year old nephew, and I fell off.

PROFILE

Tommy Cooper was born on 9 March 1922 in CAE Philly, South Wales. Though technically Welsh, it was Devon that gave him his identity and his faint West Country burr - his parents had moved there shortly after his birth. Tommy Cooper's trade-mark was instituted whilst entertaining the troops in the NAFFI in Egypt during the second world war. Short of a pith helmet prop for his act, he whipped off a nearby waiters Fez and used that instead. The laugh he got for putting on a Fez was noted and the Fez became a permanent trade mark of Tommy Cooper's act. After leaving the Army in 1947, Tommy went on to a full time profession as a Music Hall stand-up comic. His television debut was on 24 December 1947 in the Leslie Henson Christmas Show. Despite a promising start, his career dried up and Tommy returned to live Variety Theatre to eek out a living. By the mid-50's he was doing one off television specials such as Saturday Showtime and Sunday Night at the London Palladium. These appearances were followed in 1957 by his first Television series for Associated-Rediffussion called Life with Cooper. It went out live on Monday night for 12 weeks and was such a success that even before the run was finished the studio had offered him another series. In 1958 the series was called Coopers Capers, again for ATV. A variety of TV shows and appearances followed (e.g. The Billy Cotton Band Show) and Tommy's career went from strength to strength. By the mid 60's he had firmly established himself as one of Britain's best loved comedians and was distinctive in his bright red Fez. Other TV shows followed (Life with Cooper, Cooper's Half Hour etc.,) but he will be remembered for his stage presence and Music Hall style act which he spent a lifetime perfecting - the comedians comedian - Tommy Cooper lives on in our hearts and his one liners are immortal - not like that, like that!