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Clean Fun

The Rules


The FEMALE always makes THE RULES.

THE RULES are subject to change without prior notice.

No MALE can possibly know all THE RULES.

If the FEMALE suspects the MALE to know all THE RULES,
She must immediately change some or all THE RULES.

The Female is never wrong.
If the female is wrong, it is due to a misunderstanding which was a direct result of something the male did or said.

The male must apologise immediately
for causing said misunderstanding.

The MALE must never change his mind
Without the express written consent of the FEMALE.

The FEMALE has every right to be angry or upset at any time.
The MALE must remain calm at all times,
Unless the FEMALE wants him to be angry and/or upset.

The MALE is expected to mind read at all times.

The MALE who does not abide by THE RULES
can not take the heat, lacks backbone, is a wimp.

Any attempt to document the RULES
could result in bodily harm.

If the FEMALE has P.M.S., all THE RULES may be null and void.

The FEMALE is ready when she is ready,
The MALE must be ready at all times.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us bitching about you leaving it down.

1. Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.

1. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

Don't cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then you're stuck with her.

Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

Crying is blackmail.

Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

Most guys own three pairs of shoes - tops. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?

Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

A headache that last for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

Check your oil! Please.

Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to answer.

If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. Get over it. And quit whining to your girlfriends.

ALL men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a colour. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

When you learn what a roller cam is, we'll learn what damask is.

We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.

If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing’s wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.

Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

Foreign films are best left to foreigners. (Unless it's Bruce Lee or some war flick where it doesn’t really matter what the hell they're saying anyway.)

It is not in your best interest or ours to take the quiz together. No, it doesn't matter which quiz.

BEER is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.

Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know we really don't mind that - it's like camping.