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Clean Fun

Funny Quips


• Always wanted to be a procrastinator, but never got around to it.

• My friend has kleptomania, but when it gets bad, he takes something for it.

• Did you hear about the big fight that Madonna, Cher, Jewel, and Fabio had? They're no longer on a first-name basis.

• It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living.

• If you take a shower in the morning be sure to bring it back, someone else might need it!!

• When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

• Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.

• I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

• How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?

• Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

• Just when you think you've hit bottom, someone tosses you a shovel.

• Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

• For Sale: Wedding dress, size 12, worn once by mistake.

• You know you are over-the-hill when you're just too tired to climb one!

• Why is stuff sent on ships called "cargo" and UPS sends "shipments?"

• Never criticize your wife's faults. It might have been those faults that kept her from getting a better husband.

• For Sale: One computer slightly used.  One bullet hole in screen.

• If a "fatal" error is made with the E-mail I sent, does that mean I killed somebody?

• What's the speed of dark?

• Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, how did you enjoy the play?

• It's a small world -- unless you gotta walk home.

• Why are there Interstate highways in Hawaii?

• I'm going to start thinking positive, but I know it won't work.

• At age 66 I'm bisexual.  I said bye to sex.

• Two wrongs don't make a right, but two Wrights make an airplane.

• "It is better to have loved a short man, than never to have loved a tall."

• Money talks but all mine ever says is "goodbye."

• If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why isn't it #1?

• The other night I laid in bed looking up at the stars and I thought to myself, "Where the heck is the roof?"

• With proper diet, rest, and exercise a healthy body will last a lifetime.

• Help Wanted - Psychic - you know where to apply.

• Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

• He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

• Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

• I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

• When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.

• Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.

• He's not dead, he's electroencephalographically-challenged.

• Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

• The 50-50-90 Rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

• It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them.

• You can't have everything - where would you put it?

• If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

• The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

• Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.

• As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

• A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

• I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use one.

• When you go into court you're putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough get out of jury duty.

• I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.