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Clean Fun

Funny One Liners

• Why aren't fishmongers generous? Their business makes them selfish.

• You Need Degas to Make De Van Gogh

• Transvestites are men who like to eat, drink, and be Mary.

• Bessie stopped giving milk the other day. She's an udder failure.

• Adam met Eve and turned over a new leaf.

• For people who like peace and quiet - a phoneless cord.

• Bacon & eggs - Hens are involved but pigs are committed.

• Streakers *repant* your end is in sight.

• A backward poet writes inverse.

• Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft, and I'll show you A flat minor.

• When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

• A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

• Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

• When an actress saw her first strands of grey hair, she thought she'd dye.

• The poor guy fell into a glass grinding machine and made a spectacle of himself.

• I have often regretted my speech, never my silence.

• I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

• We shouldn't expect educators to be entertaining, or entertainers to be educational.

• I'm starting to think that I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample, there was an olive was in it.

Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what the Hell happened!

• My Dad was a workaholic. Every time someone mentioned work, he got drunk.

• Some people are going to leave a mark on this world...I'll probably leave a stain.

• College is like a woman... You work so hard to get in, and nine months later you wish you'd never come.

• A sign in a sperm bank reads, "Men, please take your hat and jacket off."

• I was dating a Siamese twin for awhile, but as she got older I started dating her sister behind her back.

• Before the new spaghetti factory could open, it had to pasta inspection.

• Did you hear about the unruly circus driver? He refused to tow the lion.

• Upon removing his boots at Waterloo, Napoleon could smell defeat.

• Line from an old Western: Get off the cook stove, grandpa, you're too old to ride the range.

• Biology is the only science where multiplication means the same thing as division.

• I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan, whimper and complain.

• As I learn the innermost secrets of the people around me, they reward me in many ways to keep me quiet.

• When someone hurts me, forgiveness is cheaper than a lawsuit. But not nearly as gratifying.

• The first step is to say nice things about myself. The second, to do nice things for myself. The third, to find someone to buy me nice things.

• All of me is beautiful and valuable, even the ugly, stupid, and disgusting parts.

• I am at one with my duality.

• I will strive to live each day as if it were my 70th birthday.

• Only a lack of imagination saves me from immobilizing myself with imaginary fears.

• I honour and express all facets of my being, regardless of state and local laws.

• Today I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no sweeter words than "I told you so."

• False hope is nicer than no hope at all.

• A good scapegoat is more invited than a solution to the problem.

• Just for today, I will not sit in my living room all day watching TV. Instead I will move my TV into the bedroom.

• Why should I waste my time reliving the past when I can spend it worrying about the future?

• The complete lack of evidence is the surest sign that the conspiracy is working.

• I am learning that criticism is not nearly as effective as sabotage.

• Becoming aware of my character defects leads me to the next step - blaming my parents.

• To have a successful relationship I must learn to make it look like I'm giving as much as I'm getting.

• Inside a bowling alley, "Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop."

• The good news is Dear Abby and Dr. Laura have both approved sex for old people. The bad news is they expect us to have sex with other old people.

• The golden years are really metallic years, gold in the tooth, silver in your hair and most of all, lead in the pants.

• I'm suffering from Mallzheimer's disease. I go to the mall and forget where I parked my car.

• I have found at my age going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of my face.

• "Crime of passion" is a phrase that drives me crazy. A man murdering his girlfriend is not a crime of passion. Premature ejaculation - that's a crime of passion.

• If you change your mind after a sex-change, are you dismissed?

• Nude bathing is absolutely forbidden on Coney Island. No ifs, ands or butts.

• Those who build roofs are so inclined.

• Where does the dentist get his gas? At the filling station.

• Sign on fence: As far as I'm concerned, you may cross this field for free, but the bull charges.

• Schooner or later sailors engage in rudder nonsense.

• He tried to get her to marry him to no a-veil.

• Thieves who steal broccoli from a garden could be charged with stalking.

• When I went to the dentist for some root canal work, I lost my nerve.

• Said the potato: "I think therefore I yam."

• I can't believe it happened. The other day I jogged backward and put on eight pounds!

• Never agree to plastic surgery if the doctor's office is full of portraits by Picasso.

• I wish to you your life to be like toilet paper. Long and useful.

• I hear that exercise kills germs. But how do you get the little buggers to exercise?

• A bath is something you take when you find yourself in hot water.

• Antiques are things one generation buys, the next generation gets rid off, and the following generation buys again.

• The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

• The wise never marry, and when they marry, they become otherwise.

• I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time." So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

• I went to the cinema, and the prices were: Adults $5.00, children $2.50. So I said, "Give me two boys and a girl."

• Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.

• Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.

• Airline pilots make many friends in high places.

• Schooner or later sailors engage in rudder nonsense.

• A fight over love and money would be duel purpose.

• Visitors to Cuba are usually Havana good time.

• A night watchman is a man who earns his living without doing a day's work.