• For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off. - Johnny Carson
• You're about as useful as a one-legged man at an arse kicking contest.
- Rowan Atkinson
• I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.
- Les Dawson
• I'm so unlucky that if I was to fall into a barrel of nipples I'd come out sucking my thumb. - Freddie Starr
• We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.
- Robin Williams
• I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.
- Rodney Dangerfield
• How long was I in the army? Five foot eleven.
- Spike Milligan
• Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.
- Mel Brooks
• Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac.
- George Carlin
• Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.
- Emo Philips
• Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.
- Sue Murphy
• The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with.
- Marty Feldman
• Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
- Steven Wright
• Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.
- Steven Wright
• You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is.
- Ellen DeGeners
• USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population.
- David Letterman
• First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.
- George Burns
• My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden.
- Eric Morecambe
• Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches."
- Jim Carrey